My birthday was a couple of days ago. sometimes I wish I was not bo. my worldview makes being alive a useless struggle. no afterlife, no god, no heaven, no hell, no punishment no reward, nothing. so why bother? especially if you have an incurable disease or you are raped or you are poor or... all the good stuff for suffering.The problem is life itself. we are wired to try to survive. that is iate. so I have a love-hate relationship with me being alive. I hate it but love at the same time. shitty feeling. The only thing that helps the "life" side slightly have more traction is the " love of others "  and the fear that when I die they suffer. or these are all justifications of a selfish mind... I don't know anymore.when I was diagnosed with this horrible disease in 2017, I predicted that I won't see my 40th birthday. I hope I am wrong, I am rarely wrong, especially in medicine.

It has been a while. I wanted to write earlier but I am tired, lazy and maybe scared. my mother is here. poor woman.. already had a shitty husband and shitty life and now has to take care of her disabled son at the age of 60. I remembered why I left my country. because of family problems. my father was and still is an ostacle in our lives. inflexible, tryical,... I left because I could not fix the problems so I fled. the problems are still there.I will be listed for the lung transplant soon. the big gamble. I can be alive for 25 more years or even less than a year. odds of 25 years is slightly better but you never know with my luck.and that is the struggle I have with life/ or being alive. I hate it but I need it or love it too at the the same time. My programming /DNA / make me to love it. that is the purpose of it. however, somehow some part of my brain /the logical part/ hates it, or better say it thinks life is useless and purposeless.but there is nothing after death and you can not come back from death. it is not a temporary pause.It is hard for my mind to comprehend death.it is not like total blackness or sleep. it is different. if somebody thinks about death for real he will go insane.I have to talk to Tina about what to do with my stuff after my death